Maybe closer to 33 than 23
I know that time is always moving. People, things, places, are forever changing. But recently I've felt an ache in my heart for the way things are moving. There's a sense of success or adulthood that I feel I need to be achieving recently. There's friends buying homes, getting promoted, finding passions, having babies. And I can't stop thinking about the change.
For weeks, I've been fearful of it. Like "don't-think-about-it-unless-you-have-to" fearful. Like probably get a stomach ache and a headache and maybe shit your pants thinking about it fearful. I'm not sure why. I've been reflecting on time past, and I started to think about how when I was young I always told myself I would start having children at 23. I was going to be this really cool Mom, who started having kids young and had about a thousand of them running around and sharing beds and nourishing from my body. I was going to stay at home, maybe do something creative on the side. My husband would be this ultra successful blah-blah guy and that was what I dreamt. I guess that was all that I knew. Even after leaving the comfort of my family at a fairly young age, after trying to reshape my future in my mind to adjust to the artistic and creative things I wanted to do, I couldn't get it out of my mind. "23. New mom. Mom-to-be of a thousand little ones. boring ass husband." Now I look around at my life and it's wildly different than I could have ever imagined. I am an essential part of a growing and thriving company that I love and adore. My husband is the coolest guy I know, is doing sensationally rad things with his life, and is the best partner. We've got two pets, I travel once a month, and there's no chance kids are in our near future. And still- in this radical life that I am living, I feel these weird pangs of comparison to the life I thought I wanted to live. These weird zings, every so often, that I get confused for sadness or unhappiness with the way things are. But the truth is- my wildly unique life is something that I love with a passion.
I am typically a negative and bitter person. I tend to be quick to throw my middle finger to the world and not give anyone or anything the benefit of the doubt. But a few nights ago, we had a team dinner reflecting on the past year and I could not believe how far we had come. I went to bed feeling full of joy and thankfulness for some really amazing people that I would not have met without my job - people I can now call friends. When I woke in the morning, in my Oakland Airbnb, to a text from a dear friend announcing the birth of their little lady, I began to fill with emotions. I sent the photo to Ian and he gushed about her tiny newborn self. And I couldn't really take the emotions welling up in me anymore and I cried of joy. I cried because my heart felt so big and full with love and goodness and kindness in a world that sometimes seems to be getting more painful everyday. I cried because I am loved so well. I cried because beautiful people are going to be raising more beautiful people to hopefully continue to make this world special and kind and understanding. I cried because I felt comfort in my skin. Felt comfort in the assurance that I am loved by me. That I am loved by others.
I hope that I can give out as much kindness, goodness, and love as I have been able to receive. Because despite the shit, despite the hatred or meanness we encounter often, the goodness is still there. Sometimes hard to find, sometimes not. But the goodness is there. I hope I can fight for that for all the days of my life. I hope that whenever I do become a mother (perhaps closer to the age of 33 than 23) I can teach kindness. Teach goodness, teach creativity and open-mindedness (let Ian teach the complexities and art of jazz music that I've always wanted to understand but could not). But I can also teach fierceness. Fight. Punk music. Ferocious loyalty. Bad-assness. Because the world has so many of us that have silenced by "standards" or "social norms" or simply the way we were raised that we cannot fight past no matter how much our soul is tearing underneath our flesh to be SET FREE.
Let's set ourselves free. Set our souls free. Let's love big together. Let's fight hard together. And lets raise/influence/encourage/love on some badass fucking kids.