I Cannot Believe We Live Here
I’ve found the passing of time to be fascinating. There are moments where everything is fast, and there are moments where everything is slow, and sometimes the time passes both slow and fast at the very same time which seems unfathomable, but is somehow real. The Earth spins in circles in the exact same 24 hours a day every single day and yet 24 hours can feel like 2 minutes and 24 hours can feel like 2 weeks.
We moved to the bay on August 5th which was 3 months and almost a week ago. 97 total days of bay area living and I still can’t believe we’re here. I posted a photo on instagram a bit ago with the caption “today we spent the day reading on the beach and I still can’t believe we live here” and Ian asked me “what do you mean when you say that?” And I thought about it and felt a fantastic and terrifying mess of emotions that could not at the time be put into words, but here I am weeks later and I’m still thinking about what that means to me.
What does it mean to say that I cannot believe we live here?
I cannot believe that we are close enough to walk to a beach (although we’re often too lazy and carry too many things, so we drive instead and I can count how many times on one hand). I always said I was a water person, and then I said I was a mountain person, and now I feel like maybe I’m a water person. Maybe it just doesn’t matter what kind of nature person I am, just that I can appreciate whatever magical and completely un-fucking believably vast and beautiful the world I am near is.
I cannot believe that we chose to move here for my job. I never expected myself to be the kind of person that worked at a company and felt like a boss and super valued the idea of working a 9-5. But here we are. I never expected to love a company enough to move here. I don’t even know if I like my job these days (maybe in a healthy, questioning, challenging myself to push further way, maybe not) and it feels absolutely insane that Ian was willing to come along on this crazy ride, even when I spend most of my days being completely exhausted and entirely unsure of whether or not this was the right call.
I cannot believe that just 1 year ago I made a comment about how Colorado is my home, but a few key people out here make it feel like home too, and now we live here and those people are making this transition so much better than I even dreamed every time we spend time together. These people buy me birthday balloons, and take me into the city which I’ve always claimed to hate and show me the good parts, and come to my home and play games most weeks because filling my house with people is the only way this building feels like home.
I cannot believe that I’ve said “see you later” to my friends and family. I miss them desperately and achingly and I think about them every fucking day. Colorado people are our family through and through and I cannot wait to hug their necks in December when we visit home. I want to sit on Taylor and Katie’s porch and play Skip-Bo. I want to have dog play dates and cheeseburgers and dance parties with Kayla. I want to get dumpster fire drunk with Ashton. I want to play outdoor games and tabletop games and party with Sean and Monique. I want to drink wine with the whole Williams crew and have feelings together. I want to smoke bones with Alex Franks and laugh and cry more than I could imagine. I want to get deep with Alex Merrill. I could go on for hours and days of all the unique things I want to do with all of our people, but I am so happy we have had people visit already and more are on the way.
I cannot believe that I can actually keep plants alive here, or that there are fruit trees in our yard. I can’t believe our breakfast had avocados from our front yard. I cannot believe that i have my own little tiny pottery throwing studio in the back, even though I’m often terrified to drive the 20 minutes to the firing & glazing studio so I haven’t made a ton. I can’t believe that Booker still has a yard to play in. I can’t believe that I’m moving forward in my career so swiftly and excitingly. I can’t believe that I ride the bus to work most days (without anxiety!). I cannot believe that we are regulars at the tiny pirate bar around the corner from our house.
There are good things, there are bad things. But the passing of time, no matter how fast or slow, challenges us to grow. I’m happy and I’m sad at the same time things are moving fast and slow. I guess I am thankful to feel so damn much.